Is There Hope?
by CullenGirl1901
Summary: Edward has lost all hope, and so decides to take his own life. Unfortunately things don't go as planned when he wakes up in a hospital room. No one knows who found him but Edward is determined to find out. AH, AU
1. Chapter 1

**A/N Hey guys! It's been forever but here's a new story. Something really different from the previous ones. I wasn't going to post it until I had written a lot of it but I thought posting it might actually motivate me to write. So without further ado...**

* * *

He sits in the dark on his bedroom floor facing the mirror. The boy who has given up. He stares at himself in the glow from the single candle lit next to him. He rereads the note in his hand, is this what he wants? Is this the only way?

_...I am sorry, I tried so hard...I hope you understand..._

The boy gets up and sets the note on his desk, hopefully someone finds it. He knows it might not be right away but they will get it. They'll finally see his cry for help.

He takes his place back on the floor staring at his appearance in the mirror. On the outside there weren't many signs of a boy in need. He still kept up a healthy appearance, shiny dark hair, bright green eyes, and a slim body build. But now his smile didn't reach his eyes, he began to wear darker and baggier clothing, he stopped doing the things that he used to enjoy, such as sports and socializing with his friends.

Yet no one noticed.

The boy took one last look in the mirror before blowing the candle out, in the dark he made his way to bed, setting the candle on his bedside table and felt for his knife, that he kept under his mattress. It wasn't anything special; just a small pocket knife he picked up at a flea market a few years ago. At the time he didn't know if he would ever need it but lately he had been reaching for it a lot.

Once he was sure it was still there he tried to go to sleep. _Tomorrow _he thought to himself. He had to make his goodbyes, but he knew that none of them would really care. At least he would go knowing that he had tried.

(***)

The next day the boy awoke and got ready for school. There was no one home when he made his way through the house. His father had gone off to work and the nanny had come to take his siblings to school. His father trusted him to get up and go to school himself now that he was old enough; so he was used to the empty house.

His mother had left them when he was younger, she didn't want the life that his father had provided for her. She wanted adventure, to travel, she was too young to be a mother and she didn't want to miss out on something just because of some unplanned pregnancies. The boy stopped in front of the family portrait hanging in the middle of the foyer. _She didn't want you, _he told himself as he thought of his mother _would she change her mind? _He shook his head, if she was going to change her mind she would be back by now.

His gaze moves towards his father. His father didn't plan for children either but he had always wanted to be a father, unfortunately the boy learnt at a young age that his father had only wanted someone to carry on his legacy. He didn't want to care for the child; he just wanted to make sure he wouldn't be forgotten when he was gone.

The boy wiped away his tears and picked up his school bag. On the way to school thoughts of his recent decision played in his head.

He was leaving this life behind, he didn't want it. He wanted to leave the parents that didn't want him, the nanny that abused him, the friends he thought he could trust, the peers at school who believed the rumours and spread lies, the boy that he so helplessly fell in love with...none of them wanted him. They only wanted things from him, they never saw him as a person and he couldn't accept that anymore.

In school the boy looked for his old friends, they were crowded around the same table they always were in the cafeteria. When they didn't have class they spent their time here to talk and cause havoc to the younger students. It was all just a game then, they had no idea how much they were hurting people. None of them did.

When the group spots him they all stop talking to stare. The boy hadn't approached them in months. He was the one that closed off from them, after they admitted they started the rumour. He didn't want to be around people like that, people who would easily turn on their best friends just because of one bad rumour.

"What do you want?" The leader, Ian demanded. He was the one who approached the boy when they first came to high school. They instantly became friends and soon they had formed a group of friends, friends that the boy never thought would turn against him.

"I came to say goodbye." He said quietly.

"Goodbye? What are you talking about?" The group exchanged looks. The boy tries not to make eye contact with any of them but in his scan over them he realised one of them was missing.

"It's nothing; I just needed to say it once." The boy walks away as the group return to their deep discussion on football. _They don't understand, they never did. They wouldn't even begin to understand. _As he left the cafeteria he bumps into _him_.

"Oh sorry!" Emmett exclaimed.

"It's fine," the boy sounded cold and Emmett frowned.

"What are you doing over here?"

"Just saying goodbye,"

"Goodbye?"

The boy nodded and walked away. This was hard for him. Especially around Emmett. Emmett was the one that the boy fell for. He didn't know how to deal with his feelings for another boy, it had never happened to him before so he decided he wouldn't act on it...

Until one night he did, it was unexpected but once it happened, he couldn't take it back. It didn't end well for either of the boys and they refused to bring it up when they made contact with one another.

The boy kept walking down the corridors, this was the time. He had to go now before anyone noticed he was leaving. He came to school to say goodbye and now that he had he wanted to get out.

The sooner he left this life the better.

(***)

Once he was home the boy went back to his room. The house was still empty from this morning and so no one had been able to discover his note. He read it through once more before grabbing his knife that was under the mattress. He set both items next to him on the floor as he sat facing the mirror as he had done the previous night.

Slowly he lifted the sleeves of his shirt to reveal many small, precise, slits on his lower arms running from his elbow and stopping just before his wrist. He traced them with his finger carefully, remembering the story behind each of them.

_Only two more and then you can be free _he thought as he slowly lifted the knife to his wrist.


	2. Chapter 2

He woke up in a bright white room, there was a faint beeping noise next to him and he wondered if this was going to be the start of his new life...

As his eyes adjusted he realised that he had failed. He looked around expecting to find the person who had stopped him. Before he had decided to take his life he had hoped someone might have cared enough to find him. Unfortunately that person was nowhere to be found.

He looked down to see the bandages on his wrists, they were stained with blood. For a while the boy just stared. What was he going to do now? He knew that he wouldn't be able to escape now, whoever had found him must have found the note, they know things about him that he thought no one would ever find out...

A doctor entered the room a few minutes later interrupting the boy's thoughts. "Edward, you're awake."

The boy nodded sadly. He didn't want to be Edward anymore. It had been months since anyone had called him by his actual name. He had become used to the ones that his fellow peers had chosen for him. Now that someone was addressing him by his proper name it sounded alien, as if it was just another nickname.

"I hope you know how lucky you are, we didn't think you were brought in on time."

_Lucky? _He stared at the doctor in disbelief; there was nothing lucky about the situation he was in. This is not the life of someone he considered to be _lucky_.

"Who found me?" He asked he needed to know, who cared?

"No one knows for sure," the doctor looked at the chart at the end of the bed and wrote something down. "When we realised you were here the person who had dropped you off was gone. The other patients hadn't seen the mystery person either...I have called your father."

"Okay..." This didn't make sense. Why would someone try to save him and not stay long enough to know if he would be okay?

The doctor left after doing his checks on Edward, leaving him alone with his thoughts.

Someone cares. Someone wants you alive. There is hope...

(***)

His father came to collect him from the hospital, there was silence the whole way home. What was he thinking? Was he angry? Did he blame himself?

The boy sat staring out the window willing his father to speak. Of all of the times his father chose to be silent this would have to be the worst. Although what were you supposed to say when your child tries to commit suicide?

"Why?" Edward jumped and turned to look at his father. They sat in silence for a while in the driveway leading to their home. His father was looking at him with concern, he had no idea what was going on in his son's life. Maybe he felt guilty...

His father didn't have the note which means that he doesn't know all of the things that Edward had to suffer through daily. He thought about telling his father many times but he always imagined the same conclusion. His father wouldn't believe him, and he'd be sent away to a fancy hospital and he'd never see anyone ever again. That's not what he wanted so Edward just shrugged, if his father wanted to know he would have been the one that found him. He would have been the one to notice when his child had suddenly become distant.

"Don't give me that crap!" his father yelled in frustration. "Something is wrong, and I want you to tell me, now!"

"I don't think I can," Edward looked down at his bandaged wrists, his hair falling around his face.

"Yes you can, you can tell me anything." his tone was softer as he reached over and put his hand on his son's shoulder. "I'm sorry Edward," he sighed. "I should have been there for you; I had no idea things were this bad..."

"It's not your fault," Edward reassured him.

His father relaxed. "Well if you want to talk I am here, you know that. Come, let's go inside." This is all his father really wanted to hear, he just wanted to know if he was to blame. Of course he was part of the reason that Edward didn't want to be here anymore, it wasn't easy being Carlisle Cullen's son. Everyone expected more from him because of the success of his father. Edward had always known this but recently he didn't feel like he was the son of a CEO, he just felt as though he didn't belong.

When they entered the house it was still the same as Edward had left it. He turned to go to his room but his father stopped him. "I don't think that's a good idea. And you can't stay in that room until I've had the carpet cleaned."

A shiver ran down Edward's spine. There was blood on the carpet...

Instead Edward went to sit in the living room. He felt awkward in such a large room, his father had left him to go his study to make up for the time he missed being out of the office. Edward didn't know what to do with himself; he thought that he wouldn't be here at this time. He never thought that he would _fail._

_Fail_

The word ate at him as if it was a parasite. Failure was not something that he was used to. He was always winning at something, his room had shelves of prizes lined on the walls, he was no failure. Yet something as simple as this and he failed. He thought he had planned everything perfectly…his wrists started to sting at the thought and his fingers twitched...the familiar feeling of wanting to hurt himself washed over him.

_No. _He told himself fighting the urge. Edward sat still for a long time trying to push the thoughts of failure out of his mind. If he hurt himself again his father would find out and if that happened...things would get much worse.

To distract himself Edward tried to picture the person that saved him. Who was it? A friend? An enemy? What would be their motives for saving him? Do they know how much he suffered being here? Edward ran through all of the people that he knew in his head. He doubted any of them really cared that much, so it must have been a stranger...

A stranger that has his note, he knew his father didn't have it, otherwise he would have said something and the doctor's had never mentioned a note when they found him. So whoever saved him had taken the note with them. This was not a pleasant thought, someone out there knew Edward's deepest, darkest secrets, and Edward had no idea about what they would do with this note. He needed to find out who found him. This was the last thing that Edward wanted everyone to know.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N Thanks so much for reviewing and following this story. :) It's very different from my usual stuff so I was worried about how people would take it. Also I still don't know entirely where I'm going with everything in the story so anything could happen. I know I should really plan my stories better but that's just not how I do it haha. Anyway I hope you like it. :)**

* * *

The next day Edward was woken up by his father. This was unusual; his father was never around when Edward woke up. He assumed this was so that his father could maintain his appearance as a loving and caring father. After all, it didn't look good for a son to leave his child at home after he attempts to take his own life.

"I don't think that you should go to school today," his father started.

"Do they know?"

"Yes, I had to inform them of the situation. I gave them as few details as possible; this is really none of their business."

"Do you think they will tell everyone..." this was one of Edward's main fears. He didn't want his peers to know that he tried to take his own life. It would mean that they would treat him differently, they could be worse, or they could be overly concerned and would never leave him alone.

"Well I think that they feel it would be helpful if they could make the students aware of what suicide and depression is. They need to educate students on what to do in a situation where they might be considering self harm..."

"I suppose that would be the smartest course of action."

"So will you take some time off? I just want you to be rested and stronger when you return to school. You look so pale and thin..."

Edward nodded. This may have been the first time that Carlisle had ever looked at his son properly. He was able to see that his son was not who he once was, he was able to see that his son had suffered and this was not okay.

"Good," Carlisle rose from where he was sitting on the bed and smoothed down the bed covers. "I have to go and make some phone calls, when I return we can go and have breakfast." He took one last look at Edward before leaving the room.

Breakfast, with his father? Edward hadn't had a meal with his father since he was six. Once Cullen and Co. had taken off his father wasn't around much anymore. Yet here he was, not at the office, wanting to spend time with his son.

(***)

Breakfast was awkward for both of them. Neither of them knew what to say. They just sat facing each other on either side of the large dining room.

Edward wanted to ask his father about why he was here, why he suddenly cared. Edward wanted to accuse him of never being involved in his life unless there was something to celebrate. He wanted Carlisle to know all of the pain he had suffered just because his _father _wasn't around.

On the other side of the table, Carlisle wanted to let his son know that he didn't mean to forget about him. He wanted to assure Edward that he would never let anything like this happen to his son again. This isn't the life Carlisle wanted for his son, he wanted Edward to be happy more than anything, and he just didn't know how to put these feelings into words.

"Where are Rosalie and Jasper?" Edward asked after a while. He hadn't thought a lot about his younger siblings since this happened. He didn't think that they would miss him because they never see him.

"They are spending some time with your mother." Carlisle replied he knew that Edward didn't like to talk about his mother but he didn't want to lie.

"Oh,"

There was more silence as Edward thought about his siblings and the mother that didn't want him. He had always wondered why his mother didn't want him yet she accepted his younger brother and sister. He remembered the day that his father came home to tell him he was going to be an older brother. Edward had no idea what his father was talking about, his mother had left them years ago how could he have a new sibling?

Years later Edward found out that his mother and father still met sometimes. He knew they were still in love; they just didn't want the same things. He also discovered that by the time his mother found out she was pregnant she was excited. She was older, more certain of herself.

_She wanted to be a good mother to them, not like she was to me... _Edward sighed. Maybe he shouldn't hold a grudge against his mother. At least she was doing the responsible thing now…

"She will be coming over this afternoon to see you." Carlisle said quietly. He didn't know if it was a good idea for his son to be around Esme, his mother, he wasn't sure if Edward even remembered what she looked like.

Carlisle watched his son carefully as he thought of the idea. "You don't have to agree if you don't want to." He added quickly. He didn't want to force his son into this, not in case it was all too much for him...

"I would like to see her." Edward finally said. He wasn't lying he did want to see her. After all these years she had never wanted to see him but now she does. He knew that it was only due to the fact he had tried to take his life.

_She only wants to see you to give her some peace of mind. She doesn't want to take responsibility. All she wants to make sure she wasn't the reason... _Edward thought. No, she didn't care; she just wanted to make sure that she wasn't blamed for what he did. Just like his father.

"She'll be here just after lunch. I hope you don't mind but I don't want the twins seeing you like this. They will stay with your mother or the nanny until you are well again. They are too young to understand." His father interrupted his thoughts.

"Sure," Edward didn't mind that, he had never really known Rosalie and Jasper. They were always out or he was out, he didn't remember a time when he actually spent time with them.

_It was a good thing they didn't know you. It would have been much harder for them to accept what could have happened if you had been there for them. _He told himself; yes it was better if he stayed away from them. They should be allowed to live their lives without him; he knew that if he spent too much time with their impressionable minds that they could end up the same way as him and he didn't want that.

After breakfast Edward was left alone as his father had work to do. Edward sighed, of course he did. Even though his father said that he would be there for his son he wouldn't let his business suffer.

"If you need anything, please come and see me." his father said and then he was gone.

With nothing to do Edward wandered around the house, he still wasn't allowed into his bedroom so he had to find something to occupy himself. As he walked up the stairs he realised that he had never really been to the right wing of his house, because he slept and ate in the left wing he never felt the need to go to the other side of the house.

The right wing of the house was reserved for his siblings; they each had their own bedroom and bathroom, although they weren't allowed to use their own bathrooms until they were older. They were only six years old; too young to understand why their brother never left his room. There was also a shared bathroom, a room for the nanny, a nursery and a library on this side of the house.

As Edward made his way to the end of the corridor towards the library he felt the warmth and liveliness that emanated from the rooms he passed. The opposite of what he felt in the left wing of the house. His father also slept on the left side of the house, there was also a study for Edward, one for his father, a spare room and shared bathroom for guests. The left side of the house felt cold and isolated, his father rarely made contact with him as he was never in the house.

Carlisle came home late and rose early, always coming and going while Edward had been asleep. Sometimes when Edward would stay up late he would hear his father walk past his room to go to bed. Part of Edward always thought his father would pop into his room to check on him but he never did.

Once in the library Edward relaxed. This was home, a place where he could really escape. The library was available for anyone to use but only his siblings spent time in it. This was because his father insisted the nanny read to them more often. This meant that many of the books on the shelves were picture books and well-known children stories but Edward didn't mind.

He took a seat in one of the bean bag chairs and flicked through one of the picture books. Nothing of real interest to him but he wanted something to do. Once again his mind drifted to the person who had brought him to the hospital...they must have followed him from school if they found him in his house.

Part of him wondered if it was Emmett. Did he know? Of all of the boys Emmett and Edward had always been the closest. They had a strong bond and Edward thought that nothing would ever come between them. Of course he never thought that he would fall in love with Emmett...

But if it was Emmett then why did leave? Wouldn't he have stayed to make sure that his friend was okay? Or maybe he couldn't handle it after he read the note and fled. Edward didn't know what to think. If it wasn't Emmett then who could it have been? One of the other boys? Edward shuddered, if it was one of them and they had the note it would surely spread around the school. And if that happened he could never go back.

(***)

Edward was in the living room while he waited for his mother to arrive. His father was sitting opposite him and they sat in silence, the only sound in the room was the clock ticking. Again the room was filled with all of the unspoken words. The words both of them wanted to say and needed to hear.

Suddenly there was a knock on the door and Esme entered the room. She had messy copper hair like Edward and soft hazel eyes. Her coat was hanging off of her shoulders and her makeup was smudged as though she had been crying.

"Edward!" She exclaimed and sat down next to her son, she pulled him into a tight hug. "I am so sorry,"

Edward pulled away from his mother and looked at her properly, he didn't remember much about his mother but from the portrait in the foyer he could see she hadn't changed very much. "It's not your fault." He stated knowing this is what she would want to hear.

"That's not true! I am responsible, I've been thinking all morning that if you had had a real mother that things wouldn't have been this way! How could I have abandoned you..." Tears started to fall down her cheeks. "I am never leaving you again."

Carlisle cleared his throat and Edward and Esme turned to look at him. "Esme, maybe you should take a few moments and clean yourself up."

"Of course, I look a mess!" Esme picked up her purse and left the room leaving Edward and his father alone again.

"I should have warned you she would react this way," Carlisle sighed. When he was on the phone with Esme she had started to cry as soon as she heard the news. Carlisle had tried to assure her that it wasn't just her fault but she had already started to rant about how she should have been a better mother. Now that she was here Carlisle knew she was going to try and worm her way into their lives again.

While Carlisle was thrilled that Esme wanted to be part of the family he had become used to being alone. If Esme came back he would feel obligated to become the perfect husband and he knew that he could never do that. Not with his business, and especially not when he was already failing at being a father.

"It's fine," Edward replied. This was the response that Edward had expected, his mother didn't really care about him, she just felt guilty.

"If you think it's too much or want her to leave let me know. She has no right coming into your life when it's convenient for her."

"I know," Edward sighed. "I just don't want her to think that she has to stay out of guilt."

"I'm surprised she even wanted to come out at all. I thought she wouldn't care, but she does. I think you should at least indulge her for a little while. But if you don't want her to stay then she won't, this is about you and how you feel. Don't let her push her way into your life if that's not what you want."

This was the first time that Carlisle had ever really been concerned about his son before. He had always taught his son right from wrong but he had never expected this. He could see that Esme coming back into Edward's life could be a disaster and that things would work out worse than they already were. The last thing Carlisle ever wanted to do was to drive his son to suicide, and now that it had been attempted he would do anything to take Edward's mind off of it.

Edward nodded in understanding as Esme came back into the room. She sat next to Edward and put her arm around him.

"Now tell me everything," Esme started. "I need to know what happened that was so bad that you…you thought that life wasn't worth living anymore."

"It's nothing, I was just lonely. Look _mom_, dad has done nothing wrong. No one did, it's just me." He felt weird calling this woman his mother, he had never had a mother until now and he was fine, he didn't need one now. _You can't save me, _he thought. _No one can_.

"Oh sweetie, we will get you help won't we Carlisle?" Esme looked at her former husband. "Yes, we will get you the best help that we can afford. I want you to get better, you are so young. There is an entire world out there that you have yet to experience…I just want you to have everything that you want, including a long and happy life."

"I don't want help." Edward said firmly.

"Why not?" his mother sounded shocked.

"Because there's nothing wrong with me. I was feeling helpless but I'm not anymore." Edward didn't want to talk to anyone about this, he knew that the therapists were only pretending to care so that they could get paid and he hated hospitals of any kind.

"That's ridiculous. You're not thinking clearly, tell him Carlisle. He needs to see someone."

Carlisle looked from his ex wife to his son and back again. He didn't want to force Edward into something that would end badly but at the same time he did want his son to recover. "All Edward needs is to get better." Carlisle said finally.

"I want him to settle back in and recover before we even consider getting someone else involved. He needs time to get over this Esme, you can't just come back and act like you know what's best for a boy that you have spent five minutes with."

"But he's my son!" Esme protested.

"Yes, legally. But you haven't been here, you don't know what's been going on."

"And you do?" Esme folded her arms. "You've been keeping such good track of what's going on that you've let our son go off and try and commit suicide. I think you have about as much idea of what's going on as I do!"

The room goes silent and Edward has curled in on himself. Neither of them really knew what was going and neither of them were making any real effort to try. They just expected that no matter what happened he would get better but Edward knew that that seemed unlikely.

"I'm going to get some fresh air," Edward said after a while wanting to escape the tension in the room. Both of his parents give him a sympathetic look as he leaves the room, on the way out the door Edward hears his parents starting to yell.

Edward walked out of the house and climbed into the tree house that was in his backyard. He hadn't been there in years but it was always a safe place for him to be. It was away from the house, his old nanny, and his father's visiting business partners. Now that he was older the tree house was given to his siblings.

It was a small place but Edward found a way to be comfortable, he knew his parents would be fighting for a long time so again he was left alone with his thoughts.

He thought about whether he would be able to _get better_ and be happy again. That's what his father wanted for him. Edward knew that he could put on an act for a while, so that his father would be happy but he didn't know how long it would be before he would try again…

No matter what way Edward saw it, there was only one solution and if he had failed this time he would just have to wait for another opportunity. _But what if you failed again? _Edward tried to push the idea of failure out of his head, _no _he would succeed, he just needed to plan it.

He looked down at the bandages on his wrist and applied some pressure on the bandage on his right arm, not enough to kill himself but just enough so he felt the familiar stinging pain. He knew that it would be months before he would ever get the chance to really try again. But this pain helped him forget about things for a while, forget about going back to school, to face his old friends, his peers, all the people that would judge him for what he tried to do. When the pain disappeared he applied pressure to his other arm and waited until someone would come and find him.

* * *

**A/N Please review and let me know what you think**

**xx**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N Thank you so much to all the people that follow/review/favourite this story! I got a lot of response last night and that really surprised me. It made me realise that people are now paying attention and so...the pressure is on just a little haha. :) **

**I know that updates have been coming quickly but I don't think that will last long. School is soon going to take over which means updates might not be for weeks, maybe months but I promise I will finish this story one way or another. :)**

** Anyway, enjoy this chapter. :)**

* * *

It was a few hours before Carlisle finally got Esme to agree to leave the house. They were still unsure about what the best thing to do for Edward was. Both of them just wanted to see their son healthy again but neither of them knew what they could do to help him.

In the end Esme gave up and decided to let Carlisle have his way. She knew that her son would be taken care of; she just hoped that it would be for the best. Esme knew that coming back wouldn't fix everything but she thought if her son saw how much effort she was making that she could be part of his life again. Unfortunately that was going to take longer than she had expected and so she decided to give him some space.

"Fine, you win Carlisle," She said buttoning up her coat. "But you had better take care of him like you promised. I will be checking up and if he is still unhappy I will be looking to do something about it."

"I understand, I want to do what's best for him too. He's just always been one of those kids that preferred to be on his own and so I never questioned it..." Carlisle sighed. "I promise that I will look out for him. You have no idea how awful I feel."

"At least you've been here for him. You at least cared enough to keep him. I won't try and push myself into his life, I know it was stupid but I didn't know what else I could do. I don't know what I can do to make this better!"

"All you can do is be there for him, let him know you're here. But I think you should speak to him at another time. This fighting can't be good for him..."

"You're right, I'll leave. Please give him my best." Esme kissed Carlisle on the cheek before letting herself out.

Carlisle took a few moments to compose himself before going to look for Edward. He was nowhere to be seen in the house, fear struck him as he thought of the idea that Edward had run away. Would he try to kill himself again?

He rushed to the back yard calling for his son, when there was no response he started to really panic. Where was he?

Just as he was about to turn back into the house he heard a noise from the tree house and Edward began to slowly climb down from where he had been hiding.

"What were you doing up there?" Carlisle demanded as he noticed the blood on the bandages on Edward's wrists. "Did you hurt yourself?"

"I was trying to get away from the shouting," Edward muttered. He quickly pulled his arms out of the reach of his father and folded them across his chest. "Not on purpose, I accidentally hit them off a nail on the inside of the tree house. It turns out it's smaller than I thought it was."

"I don't want you going up there anymore, and if there are loose nails Rosalie and Jasper shouldn't be up there either. I should tear it down and rebuild." Carlisle ushered Edward into the house, he knew that what Edward was saying wasn't true, there were no signs that the bandages had been torn. "I think we should have dinner now."

"Okay,"

Once they were back in the dining room there was more silence, Edward had to change his bandages because his father didn't want to look at the blood. As he was changing them he noticed that he had done more damage than he thought, he had to be more careful if he wanted to show that he was really trying to make an effort. Luckily Carlisle didn't want to be around his cuts and so he was able to re-bandage them without him asking any questions. He knew that his lie from earlier wasn't as convincing as he thought it would be but he didn't want his father to think too much about it.

"So is mom going to stay?" Edward asked after a while. He didn't want his mother to stay with them, he knew she would be worse than his father at watching him like a hawk. He'd never be able to go anywhere without her at his side to make sure he was _getting better_.

"No, she decided it was best if she only visited every once and a while. It's the best decision considering she has never been around that much before. She apologised for trying to push her way into your life like that, she just didn't know how to react."

"I know, no one does in these situations,"

"That's probably because no one ever imagines they'd be in this situation."

There was more silence as the tension rose even higher in the room. Edward didn't mean to provoke his father but he was curious to know how his father felt about everything. He knew he was probably still in shock but would he want to be more involved in Edward's life now that this had happened?

Edward couldn't imagine his father being an overly protective parent, in fact he never really saw his father as a parent of any kind. Just like his mother; Carlisle was just an ordinary man to him, they lived together and they were pleasant to each other when needed but he assumed his father only ever wanted Edward around to follow in his footsteps.

At the same time Edward knew he would never get the freedom that he used to have. His father would always want to know where he was going, when he'd be back, what he had been doing...he'd never be able to just get on with his life as he had before.

"How long before I can go back to my room?" Edward questioned.

"You can go back tomorrow, but I'd like to help you clear it out first. After what happened I think it's best if you get a fresh start."

"Sure," Edward was uneasy about this, if they cleaned out his room his father would find the knife, he'd find the lighter, he'd find the towel covered in blood, he would find everything...the only thing Edward would be left with in his room is a bed.

(***)

The next morning Carlisle and Edward went to Edward's bedroom to clear it. Carlisle had no idea what to expect but he did prepare himself for the worst. The doctor told him that Edward had been cutting for a while and that there were more than just a couple of cuts on his wrists. Carlisle wasn't sure if he was ready to know the life his son was leading before now but he knew he had to brave for his son.

When they walked into the room it looked like a regular teenage boy's room, there was a bookcase filled with classic literature, shelves of Edward's trophies and achievements, posters along the walls where there was space, a double bed in the far corner of the room, a large desk with his computer, a door to the closet and a door to his ensuite, there was also a few pieces of clothing left here and there and even a few pictures of when Edward was younger.

There was nothing out of the ordinary here, but Carlisle knew that there were many secrets hidden in the room, but he didn't know whether he would discover them all or not.

"I just want you to take a good look and everything and let me know if there is anything that you'd like to get rid of. I don't know what's personal to you and what isn't so I will try not to get in your way." Carlisle explained.

He watched as his son slowly made his way around the room. He didn't know how to feel about being in the room considering he hadn't been in it since Edward was a child. He could see that not many things had changed apart from the posters, the bedding and the addition of more books and prizes as his son grew older.

Edward knew he was being watched and so he was unsure of what he should reveal to his father or not. He decided that he should hand over the knife, this would be the most obvious thing that his father would want to get rid of so he went to his bed and felt under the mattress. But the knife wasn't there.

Then he remembered that he had dropped it on the floor when he...last used it. So he looked under the bed to see if it was there, but there was nothing, just a few old socks. He knew that no one had been in the room apart from him, the cleaner and the person that saved him which meant...whoever had found him had taken the knife. He knew that if the cleaner had found it they would have given it to his father but he assumed that if his father had it he would have mentioned it.

"What are you looking for?"

"My knife,"

The words made Carlisle stiffen. "The one you used to-"

"Yes, but it's not here. Someone must have taken it."

"Who?"

"I don't know."

"Well, maybe the cleaner found it yesterday and put it away somewhere. It has to be here..."

"Maybe..."

Edward gave up on the search, knowing that it would probably never resurface. Why would this person take his knife? Who would possibly want it after what he did with it?

He moved on to clear out the drawers in his desk, old drawings, pieces of writing, his attempts at planning his suicide...he got rid of it all. He wanted to start fresh like his father had asked, but not in the way he was expected to.

He also got rid of old photos of him with his old friends and birthday cards and any small items that reminded him of them. Edward couldn't imagine how his old friends would react when he returned to school, he knew that when he went back that he would no longer be invisible and he didn't know how to prepare for what they might all say about him.

The whole time that he made his way around the room, looking at things and throwing them away his father just watched. Carlisle didn't know enough about his son to help in any way, he didn't know what was sentimental to his son and what wasn't. He was surprised that Edward wanted to get rid of so many things that had to do with his friends, he also was unsure of what to think of all the books and clothes Edward didn't seem to want anymore.

Carlisle never shopped for his son, he had always had someone else do it until Edward was old enough to do it on his own. He thought that his son should learn independence from a young age and only Edward would really know what he wanted. Yes, his father had questioned the bills he got from shops for the strangest things; but he never really wanted to know. As long as his son was happy he didn't seem to care. All he had ever wanted was Edward to have a happy and fulfilled childhood, and if that meant that he had to spend thousands of dollars on some kind computing device then he would do it.

Once Edward had cleared his shelves and walls of anything that he deemed unnecessary he had to turn to the dark things he was hiding, he started with the towel that was in the back of his closet, he had used it instead of tissues so that no one would question him when he threw something away. It had been used for years and so it was tattered and almost entirely a deep red colour. His father looked uneasy as his son put it into one of the trash bags.

Edward also decided to throw away the safety pins in his room, he often found himself scratching over his old cuts and he wanted it to seem as though he was really making an effort to get better. There were a few other sharp things he needed to throw away, like a 'spare' razor he kept in the bathroom and any other sharp objects he knew he could potentially use to hurt himself. He knew that if he didn't do it, his father would and he knew that it wouldn't make things any better.

"Is that everything?" His father asked after an hour or so. He was still sitting in the same spot, he didn't want to move or question. He was just fascinated about the way his son was handling things.

"I think so,"

"Okay, I'll take these things away...I think you should also buy some new things to replace the old such as clothing. Maybe I can take you tomorrow?"

"No it's fine, I'll do it myself." Edward couldn't imagine anything more embarrassing than shopping with his father, and while he knew his father was only trying to help he didn't want their relationship to change. They regarded each other as little as possible and Edward was fine with that. He didn't want everything to suddenly change all because of one little _incident_.

"All right," Carlisle hesitated. He wanted to spend more time with his son. He wanted to make sure that if he was going to go out shopping that he wasn't just going to replace all of the things he was about to discard. "But after you go shopping I would like to see everything that you have bought."

"I'm not going to buy anything stupid." Edward was shocked. Did his father really think that he would try and replace his blades? He knew better than that, his father would find out as soon as his bill arrived.

"Well I hope you understand where I'm coming from. I thought I was trusting you to be responsible and tell me if you were ever unhappy. And this is what happened. I want to make things better but that will only happen if I am able to trust you again. So please, do as I ask. I don't want to fight with you and I rarely ask you to do anything for me anyway."

"Fine,"

Edward didn't want to fight with his father either. He wasn't used to him taking such authority with him. But he knew that he had broken his father's trust. There was no verbal agreement not to hurt himself, to do any of this but he knew that it was something his father thought he'd never have to get Edward to promise.

Carlisle left Edward's room to dispose of his old things and once again Edward was back in his old room, alone.

The room seemed empty now that he had gotten rid of all of the things that didn't matter. He wasn't used to the room seeming so bare. He had taken the posters off of his walls, removed the photos from his night stand, even his desk was devoid of anything personal. He felt like he was staying in a hotel, a room that was impersonal, there was nothing here that really showed what kind of a person Edward was.

Maybe this room was the perfect representation of himself. Edward didn't know who he was anymore. He never thought that he would still be alive so he never needed to know. Once he stopped doing the things that made him "Edward" everything else seemed to fall apart. He had lost his identity. It wasn't until the doctor said his name that day in the hospital that he remembered who he was. Who he was supposed to be.

For months he had just been this shell of a person, pretending to be the same boy, he got good grades, he kept up his appearances, no one had any reason to doubt he was anything but who he said that he was.

Until now.

Edward lay on his bed and stared up at the ceiling thinking about who he wanted to be. For so long all he has been is this broken boy, someone who seemed to be living a perfect life but underneath was nothing but pain. He didn't see himself being anymore than that.

Maybe there was no one else he could be. He knew he could never be that boy he once was, but he knew that he would probably never be a happy boy again. He could never just be hanging out with his friends or playing sports or even doing well in school. There was always something else, something weighing him down telling him that no matter what he did it would never be enough.

Nothing would be enough to stop the hatred, nothing would be enough to stop how he felt, he was reduced to nothing and no one or anything would be able to stop this.

This is what he was reduced to, an empty boy in an empty room.

(***)

A few hours later Carlisle came to check on Edward, he had been in his room all day and Carlisle was growing concerned. But when he went into Edward's room he was sleeping. Carlisle carefully lifted his son's arms to check for blood stains. He was still worried that Edward was going to try again.

He knew enough to know not to believe everything his son said. Growing up he automatically trusted what his son told him. He had never had any reason to doubt him...

He wish that he still was able to say the same.

The items that Edward had decided to throw out showed no signs of a happy boy. He hadn't been happy for a long time and Carlisle wanted to make it right.

The school had called him to ask him about Edward and check on his condition. Carlisle didn't like to speak to them because he thought that of all the people to know about Edward's depression it would be them. While Carlisle wasn't always at home, the place Edward spent most of his time was at school. Surely someone there would have noticed the change?

It was normal for teenagers to fall out with their friends, it happened from time to time but wouldn't someone notice that Edward no longer had any friends? That his old friends excluded him and bullied him?

Or was this also normal?

Carlisle had no way of telling. He was angry with the school for not noticing a change in his son, especially when he stopped going to all of his extracurricular activities. Wasn't he supposed to get notified about this kind of thing?

He wanted to blame the school for this whole thing but he knew that it wasn't only their fault. Edward seemed to be very good at hiding things if he was able to keep all of this a secret from everyone around him. Maybe he needed to figure out how his son was hiding things from him.

Carlisle walked around the room and made a note of all the places Edward had pulled sharp objects from, they were such simple places but he never thought to look for them. While he wanted to keep an eye on his son he didn't want to go snooping around everyday for a possible new weapon.

He did want to be able to trust his son again, he just didn't know how. Especially after he rejected Carlisle's offer to go shopping. Would he always be trying to push him away? Carlisle understood why he would want to push away his mother but why him?

What had he done to deserve this?

Sighing he decided to leave and let his son have his rest. It had been a long couple of days and there was still so much to figure out. He didn't know how long it would take to be able to form the relationship he never had with his son but he wanted to keep trying, he owed his son that much.

* * *

**A/N Please review, it would mean so much to me. :)**

**xx**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N Enjoy the next chapter :) x**

* * *

Two weeks passed and Edward and Carlisle had fallen into a routine, they would eat together and engage in small talk in an attempt to learn more about each other. The rest of the day they spent separately as they had normally run out of things to say to each other by the end of each meal.

Neither of them really knew how to talk to the other. Every meal was spent in a formal fashion, neither of them daring to say what they really wanted for fear of the other's reaction. It was although they were forced to spend time together, time that neither of them really wanted.

At least Edward felt that way, he didn't know why his father was insisting that they spend time together. He knew his father was concerned but he felt uncomfortable with him trying to be a part of his life. He was grateful that his father was more subtle in his approach unlike his mother but he was still unfamiliar with his father having so much presence in his life.

Even when Edward went to bed his father would check on him and again when he woke up. Something that Edward had often wanted his father to do but not as frequently, he felt like he was losing all of the independence he once had and he didn't like it.

Carlisle on the other hand thought he was doing a good job. He wanted to be a part of his son's life and he thought that the little things were the best place to start. He knew that both of them would have to go back to their normal routines soon but he wanted to incorporate spending time with his son into his routines.

While he knew he was smothering Edward with attention he didn't know if he could leave his son alone too long. He thought that being alone is what caused Edward's depression in the first place and so he just wanted to show his son that he was here, and he always would be.

Finally one evening Edward decided that he should go back to school. He wasn't looking forward to it but he couldn't stand talking to his father about the weather for one more night. There had to be more interesting discussions to be had, unfortunately neither one of them wanted to venture into it.

"Are you sure?" Carlisle asked.

"Yes, I think it's time I go back. I've missed so much already and they'll want me to catch up before my exams."

"I don't think it's a good idea. I don't want you going back to a place where you were unhappy. I'd much rather you go to another school..."

"It's only for a couple more years. I know it's never been the happiest place to be but I think I can handle it."

"I thought you could too."

There was silence as Edward realised that this was not going to be easy. His father would always doubt when he said that he could deal with something. All because of this one event he now couldn't be trusted in anything, not even when it came to what he could tolerate and what he couldn't.

"Please let me go back, I don't see myself fitting in anywhere else." Edward muttered.

"Fine," his father sighed. Carlisle knew he couldn't force his son into doing something he didn't want to. He just wished that Edward would have considered going to another school...it wasn't too late to enrol him somewhere where they would take care of him.

(***)

A few days later Edward woke up early to get ready for school; he hadn't slept well the night before. All that he could think about that night was what everyone would say when he returned. They would all notice him again, whether they would be happy about his return was another thing.

Edward's wrists began to throb as he thought of all the pain his peers had caused him. When he had a fight with his friends, Emmett told them what had happened between him and Edward. This caused them to become distant from Edward and call him names as they thought he was going to try and make them all homosexual.

It was a stupid idea and Edward hated the fact they were acting like his sexuality was a disease but once they did it didn't stop. For weeks they would ignore him or refuse to stand next to him in case they would be 'infected'. They even started to make up nastier rumours about how he had STDs from other guys he'd been with...Edward had no idea how these rumours were being started but he had an idea...

As Edward was getting ready for school his father entered the room to talk to him. Carlisle was still unsure of whether this was the right decision. If it was up to him, Edward would be going to a private school away from the teenagers that bullied him. Unfortunately when Carlisle suggested this to his son again they had an argument. Finally Carlisle resigned, not wanting to fight with his son.

"Ready?" Carlisle asked, over the past couple of weeks Edward had started to look better. He wasn't as pale and thin as he was when Carlisle first collected him from the hospital. Carlisle felt a little better knowing that his son was looking healthy again; unfortunately he still had bandages on his wrists, so Edward had to wear a long sleeved shirt to cover them.

"Yes,"

"Remember that you don't have to stay the whole day, you can ask to come home at any time."

"I know," Edward sighed. His father was being overprotective again; he didn't need to go home early. He was determined to get through a whole school day without an accident. It wasn't going to be pleasant but he didn't expect that it would be.

"Good, I just don't want you to be tempted to do something that you'll regret."

"I won't." Edward promised. His father smiled at him before they left the house. While Edward was returning to school Carlisle was also returning to work, since the incident Carlisle had been working at home so he could keep an eye on his son. Now that they wouldn't be a few meters apart Carlisle was worried. He didn't know how Edward would react to being back at school; all he could think about was the worst.

The car ride was silent as they made their way to the school. It was unusual for Edward to be dropped off at school; he was used to walking or taking the bus. He felt like a little child again being taken to school by his father but he knew if he protested his father would worry even more.

"Have a good day," Carlisle forced a smile.

Edward smiled back before getting out of the car. It was early and not many people were there which Edward was grateful for. He walked into the school and towards his locker to replace the things he had taken from it two weeks ago. It seemed like it had happened a lifetime ago, he was standing here preparing to leave forever…

The bell rang and shook him from his thoughts. _This was it_, he sighed to himself and made his way to his first class.

When he walked into the classroom no one seemed to notice at first, he quickly took a seat in the back corner hoping that no one would draw attention to him. A minute later, one of the girls in the class spotted him and started to whisper and soon everyone in the class was glancing over at him and whispering to their respective cliques. This made Edward uncomfortable, he didn't know what they were saying but he only assumed that it was bad.

Suddenly he regretted coming back, this situation reminded him of when everyone whispered about him before only then he knew it was bad. He knew they were disgusted by what he did, but he didn't think he did anything wrong.

"Edward!" Edward looked up to see Emmett coming towards him, the rest of his old friends were following a few steps behind Emmett.

"Hey Emmett," Edward tried to smile. Emmett sat down at the desk in front of Edward and turned to face him, the rest of the group split up to sit in the other desks around them. They refused to be a part of the conversation, it was unusual for the group to be so quiet.

"I'm so sorry about what happened. I should have known something was up when you were saying goodbye…"

So it wasn't Emmett that had saved him…Edward took a quick scan around the classroom to see who else it could have been but he couldn't see anyone else as a possibility.

"No it's fine; apparently you're not the only one who misjudged."

"I know but I still feel really bad, all the stuff that happened before…I didn't mean it. It was stupid and I'm really sorry. In fact, we're all sorry. We just wanted to let you know that we are here for you one hundred percent."

"Emmett its okay I forgave you a long time ago…and I find it hard to believe _everyone _feels the way that you do." Edward looked around at the rest of his old friends, their heads were down and they were looking anywhere but at him. He knew the rest of them weren't sorry they just felt guilty and they were using Emmett to speak for them because they couldn't bare to say it his face.

"Well they told me they were, and if you believe it or not I guess it's up to you. I just wanted to let you know that I'm still here." Emmett smiled. "Even though what happened between us was weird I want you to know that I am still your friend. I guess I should have said something before…"

Edward felt bad for Emmett; he could see that his friend was torn up by what almost happened to him and that made him feel better. It showed that he had made a difference in someone's life. Edward wanted to put his hand on Emmett's but he knew that if he did people would start more rumours so he settled for putting his hand close to Emmett's on the desk.

"I don't want you to feel bad Emmett. You aren't the reason I did what I did. There were many reasons…but I am glad you are my friend. I really need one right now."

Emmett nodded as he looked down at the desk, Edward's sleeve had ridden up and he could see the edge of his bandages. "So…you really did it?"

"Yeah…" Edward self consciously put his hands under the desk.

"Wow,"

There was silence between them and the teacher entered so they had to stop their conversation. Through the lesson Edward couldn't help but smile a little bit, he still had a friend.

For the rest of the day Edward had people come up to him, to tell him they were sorry for what they had said or done to him and every time Edward politely accepted their apology, knowing that none of them really meant it. He was glad that they were being nice to him though, it was very different from how he was treated before.

In class he still sat at the back, and no one really paid much attention to him other than giving him a few apologetic and sympathising looks. Even the teachers chose to not mention what had happened which he was thankful for. He didn't want the teachers to make a big deal over him like everyone else was.

At lunch time Edward walked into the cafeteria and looked around. Could he sit with his old friends? Would they let him? He decided against it and went to sit on his own, but once Emmett had spotted him he came to sit with him.

They sat in silence as they ate their lunch. Edward wondered what this meant, for Emmett to leave his friends and have lunch with him. Did it mean anything? Was he just being nice? Edward had no idea, if they were still close he wouldn't think much about it but now…he couldn't help but wonder if Emmett was only doing this because he also felt guilty. Maybe he would leave as soon as he felt he was on good terms with Edward again…

"So how's your day been?" Emmett asked wiping the crumbs off the table.

"Okay, people keep coming up to me and apologising."

"At least they admit they were wrong."

"I guess so…I just don't want them to do it because they have to…"

"Yeah, well you know they only want to do the right thing. At least now maybe they'll leave you alone."

"Maybe,"

Again there was silence. Edward wanted to know what Emmett was thinking. He was still unsure of whether he could be as close to Emmett as he once was. Would his feelings for his friend get in the way again? He didn't even know how he felt about Emmett anymore, he wanted to believe that he was genuinely trying to be his friend again but he couldn't be sure. Just because he has been making more effort than the rest of them doesn't mean his intentions are pure.

"So…you say they're sorry?" Edward points to the lunch table that Emmett left. The boys were in heated discussion over something that happened in a previous class and so all eyes were on them.

"Yes, they feel really bad for starting all of this. But you know them; they won't show emotion unless they have to."

"Yeah…I still don't think I can be friends with them again."

"I get that, so what are you going to do? I can't be your only friend."

"Right now, you are. After what happened I was isolated, away from everyone else. No one seemed to want to be my friend. I learned to deal with it…"

"Yeah well I think that it's time to think of a better way to deal with things." Emmett eyed Edward's wrists again.

"Yeah me too."

For the rest of lunch time Edward and Emmett talked about what Edward had missed when he left the group. Edward learnt that his friends hadn't changed much, they were still rude to other students, didn't do their homework, and were as popular as ever…his decision to leave hadn't seemed to affect them at all.

It was just as Edward had thought. His friends never really cared for him, none of them did. A pain washed over Edward as he thought about Emmett's words. He thought that they would have at least talked about him; if they were really sorry they would have said something…wouldn't they?

"Look I hope you don't feel bad about those guys. I mean they're not worth it, you know I'm only friends with them because of you…and because I'm on the football team with them." Emmett said quickly.

"I don't feel bad. I used to think they cared a little but now I know they don't. It's just a little hard to hear. Especially since I thought I was really friends with them."

"I don't think they're really friends with each other…I mean if Ian can turn on you, your best friend, I think he can turn on anyone. They don't trust each other at all…"

They heard a loud crash as two of the boys fell to the ground fighting. A crowd had formed around them and teachers were pushing through trying to break up the scene. Edward wasn't used to seeing them fight like that…

"Is it always this bad?"

"No, most of the time they are able to keep it verbal…if they start fist fighting I normally leave. It's getting ridiculous."

"They didn't used to fight…"

"I don't know what happened, I mean one day we were fine and then Ian just kind of snapped."

Edward suddenly felt a pang of guilt. It was his fault. When he was still friends with them Ian was always getting riled up about something but Edward was able to calm him down. Now that he wasn't a part of their group anymore, Ian could get as mad as he wanted. That must be the reason for all the fighting…just because he wasn't there.

The fight finally broke up and Mike ended up the winner, the other boy was left to walk away with his hand over his nose covered in blood. Edward watched as Mike and Ian high-fived and celebrated his victory.

"That guy that left isn't part of the group is he?"

"Nope, sometimes they just like to beat down the younger ones. Keep them in line or something. I guess you're lucky you got out when you did. Things have turned nasty in the last couple of weeks."

The bell rang and Edward and Emmett had to go their separate ways. On the way to his Biology class he wondered why Ian had suddenly turned so angry. What happened since the last time he saw him? Even before Edward had left school the boys hadn't been that bad. They were still causing trouble but it had never gone that far. Something must have happened when he was away…

When Edward got to biology class he discovered that he now had a lab partner. In his absence, someone had transferred classes and so he was now expected to work with someone else. When the class had started, there were an odd number of people in the class and so Edward was provided with the privilege of working alone. But now he was being forced to talk to and work with someone he probably didn't get along with.

He took his regular seat and waited for this person to arrive. He couldn't imagine why anyone would want to transfer to Biology. It wasn't that exciting. People breathe and so do plants, amazing.

As he was going through all of the people in his head it could possibly be, he was surprised to see the small brunette walk in his direction. Her hair fell in soft curls around her face, she looked nervous and was biting her lip as she came to a stop at the table and sat down. She didn't once look in his direction. Edward recognised her as Bella Swan, she was in his English class and they had never really spoken before. She was one of the few girls that didn't make a big deal about the fact he was gay. Although Edward wasn't even sure if that's what he was.

"Hi," Edward said. He didn't know a lot about Bella, other than that she was new to the school last year and everyone seemed to really like her. She preferred to keep to herself, which is something that he could relate to.

"Hi," Bella smiled at him. She went back to looking at her books and trying to organise herself. So Edward left her to it.

When a group of girls came up to Edward to apologise for being so cruel, Edward noticed Bella stopped what she was doing to listen to them. Edward politely accepted their apologies as he had always done and then turned to look at Bella who went back to her work.

"Does that happen a lot?" She asked, not looking up from the book. The class hadn't even started yet and she was making notes. _She's one of _those _people,_ Edward thought to himself.

"Yes, but it's only been today. I guess they all feel guilty."

"Well it is partially their fault right?"

"Not really."

"It's not?" Bella turned to look at him. "I thought you did it because of how everyone treated you…"

"Sort of, there was a lot of other stuff too." Edward shifted in his seat and pulled his sleeves over his hands.

"Oh…well…I'm glad you're okay."

"You are?" Edward didn't even think she knew who he was until today.

"Yeah, I _so_ don't want to be doing all this stuff by myself."

Edward laughed, it was strange, and he hadn't laughed in so long. He wasn't sure if that's what it was. "Don't worry, I'm here. And I don't think I'll be going again any time soon."

"That's good to know," Bella smiled, "I was worried that you might not come back…"

"I didn't think I'd be coming back either." He looked sad.

Bella's face fell as she realised what Edward meant. He didn't want to be alive, he thought he would be dead by now…a shiver ran down her spine. She hated that idea; she didn't want anyone to wish they were dead, how could anyone hate life so much?

"Don't think like that," She said quickly. "Think about how lucky you are to be back."

"I wouldn't say I was lucky…"

"I would, someone must have cared about you enough to save you."

"If only I knew who that someone was."

Their conversation was cut off by the teacher arriving and Edward was left to think about the person that could have saved him once more. Bella was right, he was lucky, he didn't think anyone cared but there was one person. It might be easier for him if he knew who that one person was.

After class, Bella agreed to help Edward catch up on what he had missed in Biology and English through the week. It was nice for Edward to be talking to someone else for a change, he hadn't really been speaking to anything since the incident. For a while he wondered if Bella and he could be friends, she was a really nice girl and she didn't seem to make a big deal about the fact he was gone for two weeks.

_Maybe_... He thought to himself as he made his way home. When he got there, he was relived to find that his father was still working so he could spend some time by himself. He went to his room to begin his homework, he had missed a lot in the two weeks he was away but he was determined not to let himself fail. He'd already failed at something simple, he couldn't handle it if he failed school too.

When his father came home he had dinner. Carlisle was surprised to see a change in his son. He was happier now than he was when he left this morning. It was something Carlisle wasn't used to seeing, his son happy, content. Maybe going back to school wasn't such a bad thing for him.

"I'm glad that things are getting better," Carlisle smiled.

"They are, I didn't think things would happen so fast...also Bella is coming over tomorrow after school...she wants to help me with some stuff."

Carlisle dropped his fork in shock. His son was inviting a girl over? Carlisle had never been aware of any girlfriend in Edward's life before. He just assumed his son wasn't ready to have a real relationship. But one day back at school and _Bella _is coming over?

Carlisle composed himself before replying. "Bella?"

"Yeah she's my new Biology partner. We have some classes together and I need her help to catch up. Is that okay?"

"That's fine," Carlisle was still surprised that his son wanted to have someone come over. Especially after what happened...and a girl no less. "Is she your girlfriend?"

"Girlfriend?" It was Edward's turn to be shocked. "No! She's just a girl in school. I've only spoken to her once and that was today. It's not like that."

"Okay, I was just thinking that if she was your girlfriend..."

"I've never had a girlfriend."

The room went quiet as Carlisle thought about this. _Never_, he assumed Edward had flings with girls, at least some kind of experience with them. His son was a handsome, charming boy and he didn't see why he wouldn't have had a girlfriend or two in the past.

"Well there's plenty of time for that." Carlisle said after a while.

"Yeah there is..." Edward thought about mentioning the Emmett incident but he thought it was a better idea to tell his father later. It was embarrassing enough to admit that he had never had a girlfriend. It was just something that Edward had never really thought about, he didn't see the need to have a girlfriend when all his friends were always complaining about theirs.

After dinner Edward went back to his room to finish his homework. He thought about the events of the day and wondered if people would still be apologising tomorrow. By now he was sure that the entire school had apologised.

One thing he was surprised about was that everyone was so nice. He thought there would be at least one person who would have wanted him to die. Someone who didn't like the fact he was still around. With the way everyone was acting before he thought he was doing them all a favour...

The thought made Edward's wrists throb again. He had been fighting his urge to apply pressure to them all day. Every so often someone would say something and bring back the memories for him...he knew that if he slipped up on his first day of school that he would never be allowed to go back. But he had to keep going, so he pushed the thoughts out of his head. He needed to know who found him, he knew it had to be someone at school and to narrow it down he had to be close to his peers.

Finally Edward's head was able to hit his pillow as he went to sleep. It had been a long day and he wanted nothing more but to rest. It seemed as though the days were only going to get longer from here, his father told him his siblings would be returning home soon and that his mother was coming for dinner. Edward wasn't sure if that was such a good idea considering how their last meeting ended but he said he would give his mother a second chance.

As he began to drift he was left thinking about Bella. She was going to come over tomorrow, he was going to be alone at home with a girl...it was a situation that Edward had never been in before. Hopefully she wouldn't read too much into it, it wasn't a date. That was the last thing Edward wanted, especially when he didn't really know what his sexual orientation was. He never really decided, everyone else did for him...

He groaned into his pillow and turned over in his sleep. It was just another thing he was going to have to figure out as he went along.


	6. Chapter 6

**Hey, I know it's been a while...I apologise if this chapter is kind of...not the usual? I don't know there's something about this chapter that I think is off. I just don't think I wrote it in the best way. Anyway enjoy and let me know what you thought. x**

* * *

The next day wasn't as eventful as the one before, people went back to their lives, ignoring Edward as best they could. Now that they had all said their apologies they no longer felt the need to bother with him. This was what Edward had expected, and he was grateful, he didn't need another day of listening to people's fake apologies as if they would make everything go away.

While they had stopped speaking to him he did notice they had started to talk _about _him. Every time he was in earshot of a conversation people would fall silent and try to change the subject. He wondered what they were saying about him now, although he knew it wouldn't be as bad as the things they had said in the past.

At lunch time Emmett sat with him again. It was nice to have someone to sit with; Edward felt as though while Emmett was there at least some of the attention was diverted to him. They made small talk about things that had happened during their school day, both of them avoiding the questions they weren't sure they wanted the answers to.

"So I heard that you and Bella are hanging out later. You guys a thing?" Emmett asked.

"No, it's nothing. I just need her to help me catch up with stuff." Edward hoped that Emmett wouldn't make a big deal about this. He felt awkward talking to Emmett about this. If he said that he had a girlfriend would Emmett feel more at ease with him?

"Could it be something? I mean I heard she likes you."

"She does?" Edward looked across the cafeteria to where Bella was sitting. She sat on her own but she seemed content, too focused on the novel she was reading to acknowledge anyone else.

"Yeah, she's been defending you from the start. I like her; I think you guys would be good together."

"I don't know…" There was silence as Emmett thought about what Edward had said; he didn't know how to feel because he didn't know what Edward's feelings for him were.

Edward wanted to say something else, to reassure Emmett that he knew what happened between them wouldn't happen again but before he could Ian came over to the table and sat down.

"Enjoying your lunch date?" he smirked.

"You know it's not like that." Emmett sighed, "What are you doing here?"

"I just wanted to be a good friend, you know, see how things are going." Ian looked Edward up and down. "So Edward what's the latest?"

"Nothing," Edward whispered. He didn't like the person Ian had become. It seemed when Edward became quiet and distant, Ian became loud and obnoxious.

"Nothing? I thought there would be something going on considering you got your boyfriend back." Ian put his arms around both of them. "I always knew you guys would work it out."

"Fuck off Ian this isn't a romantic thing." Emmett brushed Ian's arm off.

"Maybe you're in denial?" Ian leaned in to whisper something in Emmett's ear. Edward didn't hear what it was but it caused Emmett to lose his temper and punch Ina in the face. He landed on the floor with a loud thud causing everyone in the cafeteria to still and stare in the direction where the sound had come from.

"Cut the act Ian," Emmett said standing up. "I'm sick of your shit."

The room stayed quiet as Emmett stormed out of the cafeteria. Emmett was grateful no one followed as he made his way out back to the small area teachers used for smoking. He was glad there were no teachers there as he sat down on the ground, his head in his hands.

He knew he shouldn't have acted out. That's just what Ian does; he liked to mess with people to see their reaction. The words kept replaying in Emmett's head "_Christmas party, last year_".

Every year Ian held a Christmas party at his house. Things always got out of hand and last year was no exception. Ian was telling a horrible story about Edward to his friends when Emmett had decided he had had enough of Ian. The joke had been going on long enough and he sensed it was doing something to his former friend. So Emmett decided to let Ian know what Edward felt like.

In the middle of the party Emmett kissed Ian. It only lasted a second but it was enough to cause Ian to end his friendship with Emmett.

No one saw it happen and if they did they were too drunk to remember it so it was a secret between the two boys. Ian demanded they keep things the same so no one suspected anything but it soon became obvious there was a new divide in the group.

"Emmett?" He looked up to see Bella – of all people – standing in front of him. He hadn't really spoken to her before; he just knew she was nice.

"Bella?"

She sat down next to him. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah why?"

"Because you punched one of your best friends in the face."

"He's not my friend anymore."

"Clearly," she smiled. "So what did he say that made you so angry?"

"It's nothing. Why did you follow me?" He didn't think anyone followed him when he left the cafeteria and Bella wasn't exactly the first choice of 'friend' he expected to go after him.

"Edward asked me to…" she blushed. "He thought if he went after you people would start making up rumours again." She wasn't sure how Edward to react to this. When she transferred she had heard stories about Emmett and Edward but she didn't know what to believe was true.

"He's a good friend. I feel bad about what happened between us but since it happened things have been so awkward. I just want things to go back to the way they used to be."

"What did _really _happen?"

"I think you should ask Edward. I told too many of the wrong people and look what happened."

"It's not your fault."

"Yeah, but I can't help but feel it was." Emmett stood up without saying anything else and left Bella alone in the small garden area.

She assumed that it was to find Edward. While she was alone she pulled a note out of her pocket, it was a little worn away since she had folded it and unfolded it so many times but she could still read the cursive handwriting.

…_what happened between me and Emmett was unexpected. I didn't realise what was happening until I had actually done it. I feel so bad for putting him in the position I did and if I could take it back I would, I hope he knows that I didn't do this because of what happened between us…_

Bella was interrupted by a teacher and so she quickly got up and walked away without making eye contact. She knew she wasn't supposed to be there. She folded the paper up and put it back in her pocket making her way to her next class.

Bella had thought about telling Edward that she had the note but she didn't know how. She knew she wasn't meant to have it in the first place. The day of Edward's _accident _she was in the hospital, trust her to fall and need medical attention. She saw the note on the floor of the emergency room and her heart sank when she realised what it was.

When she looked around the room, Edward was nowhere to be seen and so she kept the note on the intention of returning it to a family member or a friend. She waited around the emergency room for a while, hoping that whoever had saved Edward would come out so she could return the note but no one did.

She thought about stopping Edward's father as he pushed his way through the room looking for his son but when she saw the state he was in she decided not to burden him. Bella did want to return the note, but the more she held on to it the more she wondered what good it would really do to return it.

What would Edward do with it? Would he discuss his issues with his family? Is that what he's trying to do? Would it help him get better?

Bella didn't even know if Edward remembered about the note. Maybe he didn't even want to think about it. The only thing she did know was that she didn't want Edward to get the note back and react badly. He needed to get better and if she thought withholding the note would do that, she would keep it a bit longer.

(***)

At the end of the school day Edward and Bella walked to Edward's house together. Bella tried to make small talk but Edward didn't seem interested. He kept thinking about what Emmett said, would he and Bella make a good couple?

It's not like Edward hadn't thought about being in a heterosexual relationship before. He liked girls, and he had only ever had feelings for one boy…how did he know what he really liked if he hadn't experienced much of either?

"Is everything okay?" Bella asked. She wondered what was making Edward so distant. She has wanted to be close to him for a long time but this was the first time they had ever 'hung out'. Before when Edward was friends with Ian he was kind of a jerk like the rest of them. The difference was if he thought they were being too rude he would stop.

"Yeah I was just thinking about Emmett…" The look on Bella's face made Edward realise that was the wrong thing to say. "I just mean because of what happened…I mean…I don't think I like him that way anymore…it was just…a thing."

"It's none of my business, if you like him then you like him. I don't see why anyone should act like that's such a big thing."

"Probably because they think this whole time I've been lying to them. I never officially announced I was gay and when the Emmett thing happened they thought that was my plan. To turn them all gay or something. I don't know it's all kind of fucked up."

"I guess…"

When they got to Edward's house, Bella followed him through to the dining room so that they could work. She was surprised to see the kind of house that Edward lived in. It was very white and spacious and there wasn't much in the house that made it a home. There were some photos of his family on the walls but no one but his father that she recognised.

"You have siblings?" Bella pointed to the photo on the dining room wall. It was a photo of Edward and his brother and sister a few years ago. They all looked so happy, but it was staged. Edward remembered the day; his father wanted them to have professional photos taken as they would look nice if he was having guests over for business. And so they had to put on a façade of happy families in front of a camera all day. Edward liked how the photo turned out, just not the memories that came with it.

"Yeah, Rosalie and Jasper…" Edward thought of something more to say but he couldn't think of anything. He had never spent enough time with them to know much more about them. Their age difference meant that Edward was never interested.

"They're really cute,"

"They look like my mom."

"Is your mom pretty?"

"I guess…" Edward sat down at the table and pulled his books out, Bella followed his lead. She knew he didn't like to talk about his mother, and she knew why but she knew she couldn't ask hi m about it.

They worked together in almost silence; Edward only spoke if he had a question as he was copying Bella's notes. While Edward was taking notes Bella was reading. She felt like she should have been more than just sitting there only helping him when he asked but she didn't know if there was much more she could do.

When Carlisle returned home he didn't know what to expect. He was unsure about Edward being at home alone with a girl, he knew Edward shouldn't be jumping into relationships after what happened. He seemed content when he walked into the living room to see them working, sitting a few chairs apart. Edward didn't look up as his father stood in the doorway but Bella did.

She had only ever seen Carlisle at school functions. She always thought that Edward's father looked intimidating. Even the day she saw him in hospital she didn't want to speak to him. He always seemed so serious, and she could never understand why.

She exchanged eye contact with him for a few seconds before returning to her book.

"Having fun son?" Carlisle asked.

"Not exactly,"

Carlisle smiled. "Is Bella staying for dinner?"

Edward looked towards Bella. He didn't even think about whether or not she would want to stay.

"I don't want to impose," Bella said after a while.

"It's no big deal really," Edward said quickly, he didn't really want to spend another night eating dinner with his father alone. They would have nothing to talk about. "You should stay,"

"Okay, I just have to call my dad." Bella left the room and Carlisle took a seat at the table opposite his son.

"The daughter of the Chief of Police, nice choice of friend."

"What?"

"She's Chief Swan's daughter."

"Oh…" Edward had no idea; he didn't even know how the Chief of Police was. "She never said anything."

"I don't think she would want to. Anyway, how are things going?"

"Fine, I still have a lot to catch up on but it should only take a few days. There's nothing too challenging here."

"That's good to hear,"

Bella returned and took her seat at the table once more. "My dad said it was okay, but I have to be home before ten."

"That's fine," Carlisle smiled. "I was just telling Edward about how happy I was that he has a new friend."

"Really?" Bella blushed.

"Yes, I don't know what happened between him and his old friends but I'm glad that he was able to overcome it and meet new ones. Are you still close with Emmett?"

"Sort of," Edward mumbled. Emmett used to come around after school a lot; they would hang out and play video games. It wasn't a big deal but he was surprised his father even knew Emmett came around.

"Maybe you should invite him over again sometime."

"Maybe," Edward looked up. He didn't know why his father was making such a big deal about this now. He probably just wanted to make a big fuss because Bella was here. "Look dad, we're kind of busy here so could you give us some space? We'll clear the table for dinner in a minute."

"All right," Carlisle stood up. "Sorry for bothering you."

When he had left the room Edward relaxed, he hadn't realised he was so tense when his father entered the room. He had no idea why his father was so approving of Bella; he thought it was because she seemed like a good person just because of who her father was. Maybe his father thought he was trying to date Bella…

Edward looked over at Bella; she was engrossed in her book and didn't notice. He thought she was pretty and he knew she was smart, could he see himself with someone like her? Should he even try? Would she be interested like Emmett said?

"Is something wrong?" She looked up from her book.

"No, I was just…looking."

"Okay…" _Just looking_. Bella thought. She wondered what he was looking at. For a while Bella did want to be with Edward. He was everything that she liked in a boy, until she told Jessica and she told her he was gay.

Bella wasn't really friends with Jessica but when Bella moved into town Jessica sort of attached herself to Bella. They didn't hang out that much but sometimes when Bella needed someone to talk to she went to Jessica. Of course Jessica had to tell her the news…

"_You can't like him,"_

"_Why not?"_

"_Because he's gay! The closest you could ever be with him is a best friend and even then you just look like a sad hag. It's pathetic."_

"_I thought you liked him."_

"_Yeah, _before _he was gay."_

Bella sighed as she remembered their conversation. After that Bella didn't really speak to Jessica again. She thought Jessica was just making up the idea that Edward was gay because she liked him to. But after reading the note she wasn't sure.

(***)

Dinner was appropriately awkward. Carlisle asked Bella about herself and she in turn asked Carlisle questions about his business. She wasn't very interested in what he had to say but she knew she had to keep the conversation going. Edward sat at his end of the table and didn't say much.

Edward knew his father was only asking Bella so many questions because he wanted to make sure Bella wasn't going to hurt him. He knew he was only playing the role of a concerned father but it bothered him. He could tell that Bella was uncomfortable being in the spotlight.

"Dad can you please leave Bella alone?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean you have been grilling her for the past fifteen minutes and I don't think she can take it."

"It's fine," Bella started. "I don't mind."

"That's not the point; he shouldn't be asking you all these questions in the first place. It's like he doesn't trust my judgement on who I hang out with."

"I didn't mean it like that; I just wanted to get to know her better. I don't know any of your friends and I thought I should make an effort."

"Well you can get to know her over time. Besides it's not like we're dating or anything."

There was silence as they all thought about this. No Bella wasn't dating Edward but she thought that because he wanted her to stay for dinner she had a chance. Maybe she was looking too much into his politeness?

Carlisle didn't mean to annoy Edward. He was only getting to know Bella because he thought she would help Edward get better. He only wanted his son to have good people in his life.

Edward was just surprised about what he said. It had sounded rude and he knew Bella was a bit hurt by the way he had said it. He just wanted his father to stop talking.

"I didn't mean it like that," He sighed. "I just mean my dad doesn't have a right to pry in your life."

"I have a right to know who's going to be in my house."

"Yes but if you know she's the daughter of the Chief of Police do you really think she's going to try and steal or something?"

"No, but if she's going to be a part of your life I want to know more about her. You never tell me about your friends."

"That's because I only have two. There's not much to know."

There was more silence as they finished their meal. Bella didn't know how to feel about being a part of their fight. She thought about leaving because it was so awkward but she knew that would have been rude.

When she was ready to go home Edward offered to walk her, she agreed as she would rather have Edward take her home than his father.

Before they were out the door Edward was apologising for what happened. He didn't mean for Bella to get caught up in his argument. He just didn't think his father had a right to know everyone and everything in Edward's life.

"I think he was only trying to make conversation." Bella explained. "But I get where you're coming from. After what happened he's on edge."

"So is everyone else." Edward sighed. "I haven't changed since it happened. I am still the same person I was before…"

"Are you?"

"I think so."

"So you're still unhappy?"

"Yes," he didn't have to think about it. While he didn't really notice it at school when he was with Emmett or Bella at night his thoughts still got to him. He kept thinking about what people were saying about him now he was back; he kept thinking people might have wanted him to die. He could never shake the feeling that there could be a better life on the other side.

"I had no idea…"

"No one does."

"Do you think you'll ever be happy again?"

"I don't know."

"There isn't anything that makes you happy?"

"There are things that make me feel, but in the end it's all just distractions. No one really knows what's going on inside my head, not that I know either. But at the end of the day, I'm alone."

"No you aren't, you have me and Emmett and your parents. There are so many people out there that can help."

"So you're going to give me the 'it gets better' speech?"

"Yes, I feel like you could be happy again, yet you're stopping yourself and I hate that."

"Trust me, I am not stopping myself. If I could get rid of half the shit I feel I would but I can't help it. It just keeps going on and on…I used to fight it at first. When all this stuff started I really did try to fight it off. Eventually things just got out of control."

Bella didn't say anything as Edward walked on ahead of her. He was annoyed that she thought he was doing this to himself. It's not as if he wished this on himself. It was something that was building over time. Something that he had no control of, it had always been there in the back of his mind, it was only when he lost his friends that he began to come out.

Bella tried to catch up to Edward but he was walking too fast. She didn't mean to upset him. She hoped that he wouldn't close her off because of what she had said. She wanted to be there for him, she wanted him to be happy again. But she knew she couldn't help if he shut her out.

Eventually she caught up with him as he stopped outside her house. He wasn't sure which one it was, he just knew what street she lived on, luckily her dad was home and he only had to stop outside the house with the police car in the driveway.

"I'm sorry I made you mad," Bella whispered.

"It's okay," He sighed. "I'm pretty sure my dad thinks the same thing."

"I wish I understood…"

"You and everyone else who seems to be concerned. But you don't have to understand. It's not a big deal."

"It is when you try to kill yourself!"

"Can we please just drop it?" Edward didn't want to get angry; he didn't want to scare Bella away. "Yes, okay I tried to kill myself…no one understands and the fact they try to pisses me off. No one will ever know unless they have been in my position. And most people who have been in this position succeed in what they try to do. I'm stuck here and while I am I don't want to be reminded about the fact I failed at trying to do the easiest thing in the world."

"I'm sorry I brought it up…"

"Just don't talk about it again. I like talking to you because you never bring it up."

"Okay then, I won't talk about it."

"Thanks,"

"Well…I guess I'll see you tomorrow."

"Bye,"

"Bye,"

Bella entered the house as Edward started walking away. She went to her room without bothering to speak to her dad. She was too wrapped up in what Edward had said. That's when she knew she could never let him know she had his note. If she did she knew he would probably only get angry at her. Especially if he knew that she read it.

When Edward got home he didn't talk to his dad, he just wanted to be alone. He closed himself in his room and he thought about what happened with Bella. Could they still be friends? He didn't want to be mad at her; she had no idea what he was going through. He knew where she was coming from he just didn't want to hear it. He'd heard it all before.

He went to change for bed and change his bandages for the night. His cuts were healing and he only had to wear them for a few more days before he could take them off completely. He didn't know how to feel about having his cuts revealed; would everyone be looking at them? At school he did catch people looking at his wrists as if they would see something magical.

Before putting the new bandages on he cleaned his arms, as though it would make any difference, washing them wouldn't make the issue go away. While he was drying his arms one of the scabs came off and began to bleed a bit. He didn't flinch as he continued to dry his arms and waited for the bleeding to stop as he re-bandaged his arms.

Finally he climbed into bed. He knew that his friendship with Bella was going to be difficult. She wanted to help him and try and get him to be happy again but he knew that it wasn't going to be easy. He didn't even think it would be possible. But he didn't want to push her away, he knew if he did that she would only try harder and so he had to let her in. Even if it was only a little.


End file.
